Forget to Be Happy

If I let my mind flow, I will find myself easily absorbing every little details. As if I have four eyes, four ears and four brains. I absorb every information around me and I will keep them to myself. Thus, I can easily replay any memories, recall any long-forgotten moments. I am a time traveler, but I only travel to the past. I'm so good at looking things at the past, all that's left behind me, behind everyone.

I was hurt so many times until the pain becomes the most familiar thing to me now. I know I can just leave the past where it belongs and live my life, but from time to time, I start to realise that there are things that will never let you go, no matter how hard you try to escape. Even I tried to let go, they would never do so.

I see people around me get everything they want so easily. Seems like their paths are wide and clear, they don't have to walk in a-thousand-miles-long dark tunnel to find what they actually deserve. As for me, even after the long walk, I still don't get what I think I deserve. Even after years of pain, I don't get what I've always dreamed of. Sometimes I wonder how this life actually works.

People say happiness come from the inside. I don't know how it feels since I've forgotten how to be sincerely happy. And if someone offers me happiness, you know I will hide in my secret cave and dig up things that make me feel unhappy because unhappiness is the only thing I feel familiar with. My past, your past, they give me feeling that's unsurprisingly familiar. They give me unhappiness I can fully embrace.

People around me get their happiness so easily. And I still have to walk a long way in this dark tunnel. I start to feel tired. I'm tired of all uncertainties, of the status quo.

Guess I'm so fucked up right now.