If Only We Were Different...

君の姿は僕に似ている
静かに泣いてるように胸に響く* 

I know exactly how it feels to know someone very similar to me. We're wearing the same masks. We've been hurt perhaps all our lives. We experienced unrequited love. We were loved by unwanted person. We're loved and despised at the same time. We reject people, we're constantly pathetic and in despair. We feel like loving and giving and dreaming only make us live in vain because we're rejected and unwanted by the world. Nothing goes as we planned, the universe never takes our side.

We're so similar, yet so different. You're like a queen. People adore you. Those who seem rejecting you are in fact love you more than you know. Or maybe I think they love you that much, it makes no different anyway. We're so similar, but I can't be like you. I can't be you. It's not that I want people to adore me. I want them to love me even when I look pathetic. I want them to feel such a curiosity to my pathetic thoughts. I want to be incomparable like you. You're one of a character in my personal fiction, but I can see you very clearly, how you put my existence among the shadows. I am always your shadow, Milady. You're invincible.

Ah, Milady. If only I never knew you. If only our fate is not crossed. If only I were someone different. If only we were just... different.



*Kimi wa Boku ni Niteiru - See-Saw

Forget to Be Happy

If I let my mind flow, I will find myself easily absorbing every little details. As if I have four eyes, four ears and four brains. I absorb every information around me and I will keep them to myself. Thus, I can easily replay any memories, recall any long-forgotten moments. I am a time traveler, but I only travel to the past. I'm so good at looking things at the past, all that's left behind me, behind everyone.

I was hurt so many times until the pain becomes the most familiar thing to me now. I know I can just leave the past where it belongs and live my life, but from time to time, I start to realise that there are things that will never let you go, no matter how hard you try to escape. Even I tried to let go, they would never do so.

I see people around me get everything they want so easily. Seems like their paths are wide and clear, they don't have to walk in a-thousand-miles-long dark tunnel to find what they actually deserve. As for me, even after the long walk, I still don't get what I think I deserve. Even after years of pain, I don't get what I've always dreamed of. Sometimes I wonder how this life actually works.

People say happiness come from the inside. I don't know how it feels since I've forgotten how to be sincerely happy. And if someone offers me happiness, you know I will hide in my secret cave and dig up things that make me feel unhappy because unhappiness is the only thing I feel familiar with. My past, your past, they give me feeling that's unsurprisingly familiar. They give me unhappiness I can fully embrace.

People around me get their happiness so easily. And I still have to walk a long way in this dark tunnel. I start to feel tired. I'm tired of all uncertainties, of the status quo.

Guess I'm so fucked up right now.